There are times when I lose my grip on life. Some unexpected news shatters my normal equanimity: a sudden need for surgery for a loved one, financial set back, someone close to me is dishonest… I find myself caught up in fear. I struggle to make sense of it all. I lose my perspective that things are unfolding as they should according to a plan beyond my comprehension. I lose my faith.
At these times I reach out to familiar coping mechanisms. I go to a meeting. I call my sponsor. I pray and meditate. I go back to basics: I am an alcoholic, my life is unmanageable at this moment, I need to turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself.
Still I may stay in these uncomfortable feelings for days. I long for each day to be over as each minute seems like a struggle to find serenity and I just want to close my eyes and wake up to a new day. I put one step in front of the other and do not pick up a drink because I remember my last bottom and do not want to go through that again. Alcohol is not an answer for a reprieve.
The past few days have been like that. I’m in a learning phase. Today I went for a two hour walk with my sponsor. Walking around Spring Lake in the rain was wonderful. There were few people there and we could talk and share. She reminded me of the basics, we worked through a current resentment which was causing my mental upheaval. But beyond the techniques and suggestions, I felt her love. She didn’t have to have all the answers for me, I just needed to feel that I was not alone, that someone cared, that I fit into the pattern of life. I needed to pause and feel the comfort of grace that is always available but that I had forgotten. The peace of the walk, the loving guidance, and the grace of the moment healed my fears and reminded me that I am a part of the unfolding mystery around me. We are each an essential part of the whole. That is why we are here. We matter.
Rose B., 12/16/18